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Commissioner Roger Goodell
National Football League
280 Park Avenue
New York, NY 10017
August 12, 2008
Commissioner Goodell:
I’ve learned a lot this weekend while watching the Olympic Games. And, hopefully, what I’ve learned could actually benefit the League.
Let me begin by relating this experience… Back when I was younger, we used to root against all the Eastern Bloc communist countries. We wanted their basketball players to foul out; their gymnasts to fall off the balance beam; and their divers to hit their heads and drown. It was all a part of the Olympic spirit: Rooting for America to crush every opponent – but just as important, rooting against the enemies of America. We knew that if the Soviet athletes failed, they would be publicly humiliated and then shipped to Siberia. If a Chinese gymnast slipped, she would be quietly caned in the locker room. So it was that much sweeter when our folks won!
Jesse Owens made Hitler look like an ass in 1936. A bunch of college kids smoked the Soviet hockey team in 1980. And now, the American men’s swim team shut up the Speedo-wearing French – while our basketball team crushed Red China. As Americans, we should be gloating. We should be pointing and laughing at the competition – like that great American icon, Homer Simpson (or Chad Johnson).
We should especially rub it in when we beat the Chi-coms or even the Frogs. Instead, I was reminded this weekend – by some fellow “Americans” – that the theme of this year’s Olympics is “One World. One Dream.” Yeah, well my world begins at Giant Stadium in New Freakin’ Jersey, and ends with Monster Park in San Fran-Freakin’-Cisco. And the only dream I’m about is the American Dream.
Which brings me to the point of this letter… In the name of all that’s sacred in American sports, I urge you to stop scheduling NFL games in foreign cities. I know you want the NFL to expand its popularity abroad. But why – to what ends? So that American football can be in Europe what European football (soccer) is in the U.S.? The NFL will be the MSL of Rome and Madrid. It will be as popular to the rest of the world as the WNBA is to the average white American male (quick, name me 2 WNBA players!). You will ruin your brand.
This week, the Steelers and Bills will play a preseason game in Toronto, Canada. And the Bills face the Dolphins there on December 7… Yes, December 7th – Pearl Harbor Day! In Canada – the place where teams punt on 3rd down, and the field is 300 yards long by 500 yards wide. Sir, have you seen what they’ve done to our beloved game? They’ve made a mockery of it. You can even get points on a missed FG by scoring a “rouge.” Yes, “rouge” is French for “I missed the damn field goal, I wonder if I can still get any points out this debacle.” And you want to have an NFL Game there – eh?
The Chargers and Saints are getting shipped off to England to play a match on the pitch of Wembley Stadium on October 26. “We’re proud to be chosen,” a delusional Chargers President Dean Spanos said this spring, “This is another positive step in the effort to globalize our great sport…as well as a chance for the Chargers to expand our international fan base.” Expand your international fan base? From 33 members to 41? Sure, some guy in Sheffield is going to want to know how the Chargers are doing – just like some dude in Norfolk, Virginia shows up to church every Sunday wearing his Manchester United jersey…. Have you gone mad, man? Mr. Goodell, can I invite you to dinner with Gordon Ramsey (of “Hell’s Kitchen” fame) – and Mr. Ramsey can explain to you why fish-n-chips and American football don’t mix.
By the end of the 2008 season, the NFL will have played in communist China, Mexico, London, Toe-kyo, Japan, Toronto, Canada (eh?) – and God knows where else in the years to come. Please stop the insanity, Commissioner Goodell.
Let’s face it, Mexico hates us. Always has and always will. They booed the American soccer team on American soil a few years ago. What do you expect? Mexico still isn’t over the fact that the Texans kicked Santa Anna’s ass 100-something years ago. The Japanese… ever heard of the Bataan Death March? We still haven’t gotten an apology out of them for that one. Communist China… We should boycott them for their shoddy plastic toys alone. Canada?… Go rent “Canadian Bacon.” Tell me if you ever trust Canada again. London, England… Yes, the home of hooliganism. Let’s see if we can’t get them to come to NFL games. Brilliant.
Commissioner, if none of that convinces you, let me make one final plea to your sense of reason: The League has been very tough on marijuana use. Smoke a joint, and get suspended for a year or two. That’s a sensible policy. The League has been equally lax in disciplining wife beaters. Backhand your kid’s mother, and the league looks away. Now then – suppose the NFL has a game in Amsterdam – the legalized pot-head capital of the universe. Now suppose that after the game, a player goes out and smokes a joint – and then has to backhand his wife because she ordered gouda cheese when her man asked for cheddar. The Dutch cops show up, ignore the joint in the player’s hand – but they arrest him for domestic abuse! How the hell is that going to look for the League? How are you going to explain to the NFL Players Association that their members can’t slap around their women with impunity any more?
Ya see, we American fans love the NFL. Just the way it is. Just where it is. It’s bad enough we have to go groveling in front of the U.N any time we want to invade another country. Now, we have to beg the rest of the world to like our national sport. As if we care what they like.
As a Steelers fan, and as an American male, I can rip on Cleveland Browns fans without mercy. It is my birthright. And I don’t have to worry about whose feelings I’ve hurt. We’re Americans. We get it. No other NFL fan is going to lecture me about “One World. One Dream.” They will root for my guys to drop a pass, and I will root for their guys to fumble. We won’t be eating brie cheese and pontificating on good sportsmanship. That’s just how we roll here in America. And that’s why we don’t want it to be the INTERnational Football League. Just the NATIONAL Football League.
Regards,
Leonard Pappano
President
Draftsharks.com
PS Rog — if you have any Super Bowl tickets you can hook me up with, shout at me at your earliest convenience. Suite passes would be even sweeter. If you can do the suite, I’ll do a free Draft Sharks subscription for you. Lemme know, bro.
PSS Hey, if you know anyone else who wants a Draft Sharks subscription, just forward this letter to them and ask them to click on the order link at draftsharks.com. They’ll get access to all our player profiles, rankings, projections, feature articles, shark bite news bits – tons of great stuff to get them to their fantasy football Super Bowl… speaking of which, hey, don’t forget to get back to me on those Super Bowl passes. I’ll make it worth your while. Thanks, bro. You da man.
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